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Sex as Means of Self-Assertion: How I’ve Coped with It

November 24, 2018

Someone cannot find a person who would be ready to satisfy all their guilty pleasures, while another one just needs to feel desirable and sexual. Talking about me, I faced the fact that sex had turned into a means of self-affirmation, hiding insecurity and lack of respect for myself. Nobody talks about sexual addiction in my circle, it is written off as if it is not a problem at all. Nonetheless, the need for sex reminds the need for alcohol or nicotine, it changes lifestyle and impacts psychologically. I want to tell you how I realized my toxic sexuality, how I overcame this addiction and got back to normal.

I thought I was every partner’s dream.

My apartment was filled with sex toys, I was interested in satisfying the most diverse desires of my partners and, besides, I were ready to have sex anytime and anywhere. I thought that I was the dream of any partner. However, despite this, all my relationships fell apart. I did not understand why everything is happening this way because I was so open and so well-versed in sex.

All this time I tried to solve the problems in the only way I knew: I woke up my partner with a morning sex, sent them hot messages during the day, and in the evening, I prepared a romantic dinner with sex for dessert. However, all this did not work out, but it made the situation worse. I thought I was good at it but I failed again and again. Any sex with a partner was something that I had bought.

I complained and was upset, I pressed on a partner and made them feel guilty if they didn’t want to have sex. Since I felt very insecure in this matter, we broke up. Over time, I started a new relationship, and the same problem appeared again.

A big step towards a new life.

Once, when I persuaded my partner to make love quickly before work, they asked me, “Do you really want sex? Are you excited?" At that time, I realized that I did not want sex, but I needed it. I didn’t know why I wanted it, I thought that it was necessary to want it. However, when I understood this, it was already too late: I was used to doing what I did, I was used to asking for sex, to searching for it, to thinking about it as about an important component of relationships.

We broke up for the same reason. I was alone again, but this time, instead of looking for a new partner, I decided to focus on my thoughts and desires. For a month I did not ask anybody out, I did not communicate with the people in a romantic way, I was just living my life and then I noticed that I was absolutely calm. Yes, I masturbated, but very rarely, only 4 times a month. I stopped feeling desperate, dependent, obliged to satisfy any desire of my partner even before they had it. The lack of a partner and the absence of a relationship made me stop being afraid that I was a bad sexual partner, that I didn’t satisfy or couldn’t satisfy someone in bed.

So, if you feel that you are sex-addicted, and this fact spoils your life all the time, try to sort things out and understand the root cause of your desire. Everything might be much simpler than you can even imagine.

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